A short blog post to explain my absence…more to come soon.
It’s been quite a while since I’ve updated this blog. Watching Braden turn 18 has been extremely difficult for me. We’ve definitely had our shares of ups and downs this year. And, I watched all my friends on Facebook celebrating a series of momentous occasions with their seniors; last concerts, last sports games, graduation, and heading off to university.
Don’t get me wrong. I do not, in any way, begrudge my friends or the success of their children hitting these exciting milestones in life. I’m so excited for each and every one of these kids and their families. I’ve gone through it all with Madi, and I completely understand the joy.
But each time I saw a post, I found myself both celebrating my friends and quietly traveling further and further inward into the depths of grief, asking questions like, “Why can’t this be happening for Braden?” “Why doesn’t he get to experience the joy of walking across that graduation stage?” “Why doesn’t he get to live in the dorms?”
Okay, okay…good moms don’t ask themselves these questions, right?
Of course, I question myself daily. I find myself saying, “Come on, Lori. If you were really a good mom, these things wouldn’t matter. You’ve been given this gift of Braden. Now celebrate it.”
I think, for the most part, I do. But on nights when Braden doesn’t sleep, or he is stressed and pacing, repeating phrases to help calm himself, pulling all the buttons off his shorts, or crying for no apparent reason, I sometimes think, “I wonder how it would feel to be empty-nesters like my other friends, to not feel this stress that he’s feeling right now.” And then I think, “You’re lucky. You never have to be an empty-nester.” My thoughts collide like icebergs, sometimes melting together to just say…
“You are lucky, Lori. Leave it at that.” Okay…I’ll leave it there. I AM lucky.
Stay tuned for an update on Braden’s new adventure…he’s a working man.